jmke

__________________

jmke

Thought I'd pass on this list of English (INKLISH) errors that are sometimes
hard to believe, but always amusing. My colleague here at Penn State, Pat
Dunkel, sent this file to me and I think you all might enjoy it. If any of
you have accumulated such a list in your own language(s) of errors in trans-
lation that non-natives make, please pass them on.

If anyone wants an explanation of any of these (i.e., why it's funny), let us
know and we'll do our best.

I just received the following "signs" of the spread of inklish:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
on your own ***?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

__________________

jmke

__________________

jmke

__________________

jmke

__________________

jmke

50 ways to confuse, worry, or just scare the bejeezus out of people
in the Computer Lab

by Daniel T. Blue, III

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait
5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on the VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab,undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease" and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain
loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough
to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & take it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your
fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit
his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do
this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've
deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this
whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document
and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put
some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer
is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back
to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time." and calmly
start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance
to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!" and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give
me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next
week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anke Bodzin, 1994-04-11, 1995-09-13

__________________

jmke

A guide to man-machine interface


USER-FRIENDLY

C:\> DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL

C:\> DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY

C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR

USER-HOSTILE

C:\> DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what
I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT

C:\> DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONIZING

C:\> DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time,
use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS

C:\> DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it
was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC

C:\> DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-INSULTING

C:\> DUR
F*ck off
C:\> DIR
F*ck off

USER-SMUG

C:\> DUR
No
C:\> DOR
Nope
C:\> HELP
No
C:\> PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\> B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL

C:\> DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\> A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\> BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\> I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD

May I help you please?
C:\> DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a
nice day.
C:\> DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\> YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\> HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC

C:\> DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

__________________

jmke

The Evolution of a Programmer

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

High School/Jr.High

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College

program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Senior year in College

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional

#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional

#include
#include

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string:perator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}

Master Programmer

[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader();
importheader();
importheader();
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};

#include
#include
#include
#include
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}

CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include
#include
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0); }

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc > 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc > 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}

Apprentice Hacker

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker

#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

New Manager

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Middle Manager

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello,
world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: unknown, sent to me by Jens Peter Lindemann
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anke Bodzin, 1996-12-10

__________________

jmke

__________________

jmke

__________________