Which over-the-counter drugs are the strongest?

I'm sick of all these baby-*** weak drugs on the market. I'm an American. I like my pharmaceuticals like my women: strong and hallucinating. I get a headache, I don't want Tylenol, I want chemotherapy.

I would never take St. Joseph's Baby Aspirin, because I don't take drugs named after Catholic freaking saints. Now, "Satan's Stool Softener" I might try, but only because I might shoot fire out my ***, which would be awesome.

To identify the strongest medicines on the market, I decided to undertake a Drug Deathmatch, pitting one over-the-counter drug against another, and seeing which emerged victorious in my body. Honestly, Consumer Reports should be covering this crap, but obviously they don't have the guts. And after my first experiment, neither did I.